Monday, October 13, 2008

Men aren't pigs, but they might be a weird breed of werewolf

My girlfriends and I are convinced that men have undergone a change this fall. If it was February, we might reason that love is in the air. Since it's Halloween, I'm going for a more sinister rationale.

Everyone is familiar with the legend of werewolves, whether it be from a scary story shared fireside or a viewing of the 1985 Michael J. Fox classic Teen Wolf. Man turns into beast: nails become claws, teeth become fangs, body becomes covered in a ridiculous amount of hair. (sidenote: there's apparently a Teen Wolf drinking game. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you rent it, gather friends and enjoy the beauty that is Fox with some cheap wine.) (photo compliments of

After some research there appears to be a real condition where people truly believe they are werewolves called Lyncathropic Disorder. I've learned a bit about it from a Nancy Drew computer game, but nothing too in depth. I found a website that outlines the elements associated with the disorder and I'll attempt to prove the boys on Syracuse University's campus have turned into a special breed of werewolf: the woman-hungry.

Man to Beast
I haven't run into any guys with fangs. Some guys are hairy, but nothing too disturbing. Paul did maul my neck a few weeks back that might be comprible to an animal bite, it healed and I don't feel posessed in any way, so I think I'm in the clear.

Werewolves can initate transformation, but they can always be affected by moon phases, like the infamous full moon. Sounds like howling can also conjurge up a man's inner beast.

The woman-hungry male most recently identifies with involuntary werewolve transformation. Who conciously wants to become needy? Like werewolves, It is mostly with nightfall (and drinking) that the guys transform, becoming overwhelmed with the desire to meet up with prospective mates, or texting multiple messages despite receiving no response or sign of interest after any of them.

Mind of a Werewolf
Werewolves do not lose all sanity as beast. They still the ability to recognize people and avoid traps, but they have a tendancy to act instinctually like a real wolf.

The woman-hungry tap into their natural physical urges too, but almost too much. Granted, the average boy typically can be (and often is) an aggressive speciman, the woman-hungry has an odd presence of companionship to their otherwise normal sexual advances. The use of pet names is increased, attention given almost to a suffocating degree and cheesiest in all senses of the word embraced.

Don't get me wrong. I like attention, I want signs that you dig me and want to hang out. But too much too soon is a turn off. And if you don't get a response after your third attempt, it doesn't look like a future together is in the cards. And if there was, it's gone now.

Symptoms of Werewolfry
My girls and I have concluded, from experiences with many subjects, that guys have undergone a personality change unlike anything we've witnessed before. Awkward and mixed signals, we don't even know what to make of your advances and we doubt you know either. You're woman-hungry. You've lost most rationale. You're making impulsive decisions, which you later regret and attempt to remedy but just add to the vicious cycle of mixed signals. You text and act really interested at one moment, and then don't seem interested, and then 15 minutes really interested again.

Werewolves symptoms pretty much fall under the umbrella-term of bizarre behavior. I can't think of a better adjective to describe a guy's unwarranted assumption that you're now dating, even though you've only hung out once.

I mean there are some good things about guys this fall. It seems like they've become more aggressive, more willing to lay the cards on the table and see how things play out. It's honestly just a game of balance: how to show interest in a girl, but not go overboard and turn woman-hungry. It's the mixed signals that are the downer. But hey, if he looks like Michael J. Fox, I might be more willing to deal with it.


Chelsea said...

Well since your failed attempt at Twilight heres another fascinating tip on Werewolves.. they do this thing called imprinting where there is only one girl in the entire world that is their perfect match and when they find them they 'imprint' on them and they are forever together from that point on. this may or may not add to your theory but I saw a chance for me to shout-out to Twilight and well just had to take it.. next entry lets focus on vampires.

Yofred Moik said...

you are hilarious.