Hey World

I am ashamed at how much I have neglected to update pa(i)gewithwords. My deepest apologizes to those who frequent my blog.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind: losing my internet service thanks to the boys who lived in the apartment below Katie and me, getting an iPhone for graduation (but at the price of being without cellphone service for about three days when goodbyes were being exchanged), graduating Syracuse University, packing up my entire apartment/life while still dedicating ample time to hanging out with my best friends, making the trek back to Maryland, unpacking, job interviewing, soaking up all the memories and making plans for new ones in the near future (NYC, Brendan's birthday, Bonnaroo).

I am still in the process of unpacking all of my things, but I oddly do not feel overwhelmed.

Maybe a rarity among the class of 2009, I have been glowing with optimism ever since graduation.

I feel like my life is really starting, and all the things that I have so longed to do, I can. I am so fortunate to have a well-paying job at Nordstrom, with benefits, that affords me the opportunity to shop around for a job until I find the perfect one to begin my career track. I also have the chance to take hobbies to the next level and see if I can cultivate them into something.

I thought for so long that I would be freaking out right now after graduation because I would not have a path to follow, like I had been doing for the past 16 years. There has always an assumed progression of life, from elementary school to middle school to high school to college. Sure, some was left to chance--what I would participate in after-school, who I'd meet in classes, what I'd choose to focus on both in and out of the classroom-- but there was always some form of certainty of what I would be doing and where I would be.

Now, there is nothing but the open road. Maybe not even a road; that is too direct and formulated. More like the open sea, an open pasture.

I finally have that piece of paper--a college degree--that can prove, and legitimize, to the world what I have known for so long: I am ready to do something of value, and I can.

I have a lot of projects I want to work on, a lot of growing to do, a lot of passion to invest.

But, I am young. I have ideas. I want to meet people. I want to live life to the fullest.

And I am planning to do just that.

Auf Wiedersehen!

It is only courteous to say goodbye at the end of a conversation, whether you are bidding a friend farewell at a party or ending an impromptu run-in a friendly stranger.

But other than that, there is no real reason for them.

Call me romantic or naïve, but I think that goodbyes are unnecessary on a long-term timeline and should only be reserved for when casual dialog require them.

As I near the end of college, I am flooded with people’s requests to meet to say goodbye, which will be unavoidably the most awkward encounter ever. Seniority cannot even escape this.

You would think after high school and summer internships and trips abroad, we would have some idea of how to go about a send-off. But of course, there still is no real protocol.

I have begun to avoid goodbyes. I do not want my last memory or interaction with people I like or will miss to be some weird, small-talk-fueled, short-lived meeting.

People might look forward to saying goodbye to a crush, it being one of the few acceptable (and less creepy) times to share an extended hug or sneak in a kiss on the cheek. But even in this situation, things would be better if the goodbye was all-together avoided. The absence of that person in your life would not be suddenly felt, being reminded of the impending void with each footstep taken away. Plus, the replaying memory of him or her will not be the retreating blob barely seen through your tear-filled eyes, but of happier times. Hopefully.

The funniest thing is that the most pressure to deliver a serious college good-bye comes from the people you actually hold near and dear to your heart. They are the people you will most-likely see within the year, making a long-winded, heart-stricken farewell obsolete.

Then you also have those situations when you have to give a college good-bye to someone you would not even issue a “ta-ta” to under normal circumstances. Just think of it as an official kick-off to your future without him or her.

It is not to say I, or we, should not have closure in our lives. I just prefer the open-ended kind. No dramatic "OMG. We're graduating. I LOVE YOU. I'm going to miss you sooooo much, but the off-the-cuff “see you soon.”

Because I probably will, thanks to our planning or Fate.

Oo that smell

It's that smell that escapes your room, as if you had just opened it for the first time after a long summer break. It is not a bad scent, perhaps it's the best smelling musk possible, while still being categorized as one.

Had it been the end of fall or mid-February, I might be weary that I had waited too long to clean my apartment or that the air had grown far too stale and I needed a fan.

But it's nearing the end of college. And I purposely breathe in deep.

This smell is sweet; if nostalgia was a perfume, this would be the college edition. This is the smell of moving into your freshman dorm room and all the accompanying excitement and glory of beginning a new chapter in life.

I am not sure my exact motivation for my celebration for the return of that smell. Maybe I hope that my freshman feelings of full-fledged ambition will once again flow through my veins and envelop my mood. Maybe I have been waiting since the first snow of the year for it to be warm again and spend my days comfortably outside. Maybe I know that this smell means change.

I should not be so surprised that I find myself once again greeted with this smell at the end of my time at Syracuse University.

I feel like these last few weeks are, and will be, very strange.

None of us seniors are living in the present. We are either reflecting on our past-- the last four years on the Hill-- or anticipating the future--packing and planning respectfully. Majority of our plans or meetings are made to either celebrate the achievements we have made in undergrad or to make closure to places or people that might not be here when we visit again in 10 years.

I do not think I will wake up once on the next fourteen days and live it as an ordinary one. People will ask what my plans are for post-grad, or invite me to their last party. Friends will invite me to get dinner downtown for the last time or insist we go to Chuck's because we only have so much time.

Nostalgia is defined as "a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition," which is inherently backwards-looking. But I think it can be something relating to the present, but only within a unique, unparalleled span of time: two weeks leading up to graduation. It is now that we have that foresight to know that these moments are the ones we are going to remember vividly and wish we could go back to; nostalgia is in our presence.

So for the next 14 days, let's stop thinking about the past and stop worrying the future; let's live in the now. We are going to wish we had.